My first crush was in Sixth, and her name was A.M. It was love at first sight. She had long chocolate hair that was just a little wavy, and big chestnut eyes. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen when I first saw her in the school assembly. She was talking to somebody else, I remember, and the talk was about another guy who liked her.
This is what happened. Since I was new to school, I even asked my classmate Suresh, who was also my relative, who she was. He told me she was our English teacher’s daughter. Since the day I first saw her, every moment passed by me wanting to see her.
I didn’t know we were in different sections. After someday, I found a mate who used to live in my neighborhood. Fortunately, he was in her section. I asked him about her and everything else he knew. But I didn’t have a facebook account then or a cell phone. I had no idea how to communicate with her.
I used to go to her section with an excuse to meet my friend. Not to talk to him of course but to see her. Every day whenever I got time I used to go to see her.
Sixth grade was completed and we were in seventh now. To my bad luck, even this time we weren’t in the same section. However, till mid-year I had made a lot of friends from her section. Days were just passing by and I always used to think of how to talk to her. This was such a special feeling. It was sweet. I don’t know what it exactly felt like but it felt so good.
I was such a shy person then. I didn’t even start a talk with my crush or first love whatever it was for more than a year. God knows how I survived without talking to her. Then time finally came, we were in eighth grade and thank god this time in the same section. By then, I had already made a facebook account.
I was in Suresh’s home. When I searched her in the facebook, I found her account. I had never been happier.
Then we started talking through facebook. Since I didn’t have internet access at my home, I had to go to cyber just to talk to her.
A day was okay perhaps another too but what would I tell my mother if she asked me why I used to go to the cyber so frequently? Well, one day she did and I told her it was my project work that led me to the cyber every day.
This was the first time I lied to my mother.
Almost every day I used to go to cyber just to talk to her, to see her picture, to see her eyes. I could only imagine how she could have said this with her voice and then one day, I liked her every pictures in that account. I was so attracted to her.
Then the next day one of my friend (Ramesh) in the class burst that I liked all of her pictures because I liked her. I remember how she was staring at me as if I had kissed her. I felt so embarrassed but then I pretended to overlook the situation.
In the next period that friend asked me whether I liked her, to which, I couldn’t lie. He laughed and when asked why, he replied she had been in a relationship for more than a year with a guy but she had a break up just a month ago.
I asked who the guy was, being curious. I couldn’t believe it was the same guy about whom she was talking when I first saw her. I couldn’t say anything to her. I told her sorry for everything that happened in the classroom. She told me it was fine.
The very next day I teased her about the kind of pages she liked every time which used to fill my news feed. Then Ramesh struck with a dialogue- “The news feed is filled not because of the sole reason that she likes those pages but because you love her and you constantly want to see her posts every time you open your facebook”.
For a moment I thought he was right but how would I tell her this? How would I tell her how much I loved her?
The school year was passing really fast and it was almost the end of the year. By this time she had already known that I loved her. But still I had no guts to tell her I loved her. I was afraid she would reject me and stop talking to me.
We were in the ninth grade then, finally one day I collected all my guts and then messaged her that I loved her. But she said she didn’t have the same feeling that I had for her. She told she had been in a relationship for a week then.
I didn’t know how to react. From that day I could not see her in the eyes. I was broken. My friends knew how much I loved her. Even her best friend knew what A.M meant to me but what could she do rather than handing sympathy to me.
Days passed and every time I met her online I used to tell what she meant to me. But I was too stupid. Why would she accept my proposal when she loved the other guy? We passed the ninth grade. We were in grade ten when our science teacher asked whether we would go in a science exhibition.
The teacher knew I was a bright student so he told me to go and then asked A.M to join the group. We were busy making project for the event. But, how could I help my friends when she was right in front of me. She distracted me every time she came in front of me.
And then we went to the school where we were to show our project. She sat just beside me but we didn’t talk. Her best friend was my good friend who used to tell me about her. Every time I heard her name, I fell for her more and more. I could not stop this feeling though she had rejected my feelings, my love, my proposal.
Why was this happening to me? I used to think that I should stop thinking of her but every time I tried forgetting her, I remembered her even more. I didn’t know she had a cell phone. She had brought it in the exhibition.
I found this thing when I caught her talking to her boyfriend.
I don’t know why but one day I plucked a flower and then proposed her again straightaway on my knees.
But the answer was same though she accepted the flower not because it had my feelings but because it was her favorite flower.
Days passed and it was finally the last day of the school. We were signing our school shirts. My friends told me I had her name in my pocket which was literally in front of my heart. Pictures were taken and we danced till the end of the day.
I cried at last because it was the last school day I was sharing with my friends and especially HER. Everybody cried but we told each other we would be in touch via phone calls or messages. We still are but I don’t know how she is now.
She deactivates her facebook and then reactivates it. I don’t know why. This is why we are unknown of our situation.
But I want her to know wherever she is, whoever she is with, I will always be there for her.
One thing I must admit- I feel glad that I told her how I felt about her though she didn’t accept it. If I had known that she was in a relationship with some other guy from a third person, I would not have told her about my feelings and it would have been inside my heart forever.
Love is a precious thing that we should treasure, and most importantly, we should treasure our first crush.
That was my story of my first crush. I didn’t get a happy ending. I was too shy about confessing my true feelings which is why I give this token of advice to those who have never experienced love, think they’re in love, or are truly in love.
Whether it’s your first crush or not, don’t be afraid to take a risk. Make that move. Because eventually, if you don’t, you’ll regret it.
So, with that piece of advice, I am going to do something I should have done 2 years ago.
A.M. I want to let you know that, I still love you.
To this day, after two years, I still do.
And I want to let you know, no matter what, you’ll always have that special place in my heart, as my first love.
AUTHOR: Injal Bhattarai
My name Is Injal Bhattarai. I passed my SLC from Nava Jyoti College. With an aim of being an engineer, I joined kMC. I am currently studying in grade 12. People say I am too much funny. I crack humorous jokes with every people. I love people criticizing me because because of this i know my mistakes and then i get chance to correct myself, but i don’t like people not noticing my presence. I am an arsenal fan, a proud one actually and may be because of this even my parents call me a gunner. I am very passionate about writing because i think pen is the most dangerous thing a man has made. I sing as well, singing is my passion.