Transcendental Man of dust

Who am I?

Why am I here?

What is my purpose?

Where did I begin, and where will I end?

Wouldn’t it be a different world, had we got answer to all of these questions.

The very questions which brings the terror filled memories of existential crisis you had the day when you realized that we are just the mere stardust, floating in the nothingness of space-time continuum.

What is my purpose?

When i think of this question, till late 15s, I felt my purpose was to serve my country, my parents and my fellow citizens.

However, it didn’t last.  When the tome of knowledge fed to you by your pedantic schooling system finally starts fading away, you re-purpose your life. May be it is to travel the world, see things, experience things and do stupid stuff.

When you hit 30 and realize that your knees are actually half as strong as it used to be when you were 20, the purpose of life will hit you hard again. You will go back to asking yourself, what is the purpose of this freaking life anyways? Seriously?

Time and again,I get into  serious conversations with my fellow younger friends.I  come up with things that is idiosyncratic to their time.  The things that I say are hard to express and harder for them to comprehend. I pull things from my utopian fantasies and project them into the conversation, just in hope that may be my thoughts collected in my brain memories from countless sleepless nights might then eventually guide them towards the right answer; not saying that my sayings would hold true, but they would know either to move forward or away from my chain of thoughts.

One time, the conversation got a bit veered away from the contemporaries when we talked about the very existence of humans. Started with Gods, then to the famous protein synthesis that led to the creation of life. Coming from an orthodox schooling system where Science and Maths would supersede over any knowledge,  it was very hard for them to ignore all the scientific fact and go back to seeing gods from different perspective. What if we all are a cancerous growth of experiment long deserted by some superior life forms? Nobody has been able to provide enough proof to discard that theory as well, similar to big bang.

We talked about mars, and how I would like to go there and start my life for the greater good of humanity; making us the interplanetary species. I talked about the lesser known theories of how life evolved on earth, when life-filled mars was hit by the asteroids and the particles separated from mars brought primitive life form to earth and how humans would be capable to terraform mars in next 50 years. All that time I was explaining how my purpose of life would be determined if that happened, if I was destined to be an interplanetary  species and how i’d volunteer myself as the first generation interplanetary super-sapiens. Wouldn’t that define the purpose of my life? They shrugged, “What about the car and the luxuries you have here? What about the warm sun, cool moon and breezes from oceans and lakes? What about the poverty, war and the disease? Can’t you work for the betterment of the humans already here?”

I didn’t have answer for those questions, and I’m pretty certain that I’ll never have any for the rest of my life. But what if, the geo-political situation gets aggravated and we finally get to experience the nuclear-cloud that every fantasy war novel and movies are talking about lately? What if the infamously denied climate change actually hit us pretty hard that we cease to exist? What if an asteroid hit us and we are “Kaput” the very next second? What if humans, in any form no longer exist?

These latter questions superseed the previously asked question, but personally to me, Human as a single life form is amazing, humans as a collection of nation, race, creed, culture, or political party is abomination. The collective human thoughts are actually evil. However, humanity, as I believe is the most superior life form in the universe. Just because, I’ve not met another form of life form that can do each and everything that humans can do, but do not carry the disease of greed, segregation and fear. The question of purpose will always walk with me, un-noticed for the most of the time, but would haunt me at bizzare turns of my life; screaming at its loudest, and scratching my nerve cells, begging for answer. As my dust form finally goes back to being the part of stars, the question will eventually die, only to haunt another clueless soul, who rises from the ashes in the vastness of nothing.


Bikrant Gautam – MN, US
I currently work as a web application developer along with pursuing my masters degree in computer/information science. Before moving to US, I worked in Nepal as a software engineer and social worker for 4 years.
I am passionate about sports, music, literature and contemporary issue. At leisure time, you’ll find me either learning, playing guitar, writing or sleeping.